Monday, April 10, 2017

How To Sell Books in America

Don't live in Texas
if you can help it.
Familiarize yourself
with your audience.
Show up at coffee houses
and bars and try to look
and smell better than okay.
You want your audience
to trust you.
Your audience will not trust you
if you do not look and smell
much better than okay.
If you have long legs
that might help.
What kind of television
does your audience watch?
You need to know this.
Be able to converse
about politics,Game of Thrones,
sex, socialism, capitalism, taxes,
the best hiking trails,
Sammy Hagar
and colon cleanses.
If you are a hermit
who reads the King James bible
and never gets drunk or laid
no one will trust you.
What the hell is wrong with you?
Why all those selfies?
You don't get out much, do you?
Do you even eat cheeseburgers?
You eat kale with honey?
Sure, a vibrator is a good friend to have
but you have to develop some kind of social skills
so you can increase your tribe.
Look at Koresh.
Look at Jones.
These men had tribes!
All you need to know about David Koresh
is that he had more groupies than Robert Plant.
All you need to know about Jim Jones
is that he died with a handful of pussy
and a mouthful of ass.
So. Yeah. Gotta have charisma.
Gotta be able to brag in the locker room
about all that pussy and ass cred.
To sell books in America
you have to sell yourself first, basically.
You can't be no basic ass bitch.
Don't be weird about it.
Be Ted Bundy about it.
Motherfucker was only weird
in hindsight.

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