ROCK OF LOVE

 These bitches would have eaten me for breakfast. I would have lacked the confidence, the faith, the chutzpah, required to know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I was the one to rock Bret's world. I've bleached my hair a couple of times but my tits are real and smallish. My bra size is 36B. Yeah, I've shaken my ass for dollar bills in various topless bars but I never knew how to hustle. The most I ever made in one night was probably the $40 a man gave me in All Stars in San Antonio a million years ago in 1995. He paid me to sit with him at the bar and listen to his sad story. He was dying of cancer and his wife had left him. 

I never had a crush on Bret Michaels. I have over a hundred playlists at YouTube and you won't find "Every Rose Has its Thorn" on any of them. When I was twelve in Monahans, Texas I drooled all over David Lee Roth singing,"Reach down...between my legs...and ease the seat back" on MTV. Oh how I would have loved to ease Diamond Dave's seat back! As for power ballads, you really can't go wrong with "Save Your Love." Slays me every damn time. I have this one on several playlists. Couldn't tell you the lead singer's name, too lazy to Google right now. It's not about the lead singer, really. It's about his earnest delivery. I believe him. 

Still, if I had been one of the drunk slobbering sluts on "Rock of Love" I can say with certainty I would have fallen under Bret's soulful Pisces spell. If he had threatened me with a good time by deigning to stick his tongue in my mouth I'm sure I would have kissed him back and he would have tasted the tequila and the Nacho Doritos. But I can see him rejecting me with kindness, finally, because I simply didn't "bring it." I would not have fought hard enough for his love. I would have lacked conviction. And there's the matter of my tits. No, a man cannot live on big tits alone but many men have tried.

So I grow old and fat in San Antonio with memories of my glory days. It's like I told a Leo once in June of 2010 while drunk off my ass and chainsmoking menthol cigarettes. "We'll always have Santa Cruz."