CLICK LINK TO DENY

 Woke up to butterflies and accolades at YouTube and confessions of love at Instagram and a million dollars in the bank and a pony named Enchilada. 

No. Not quite. Woke up to this bullshit. Text message:

Pending debit of $714.02 at Pig Liquors.
Click link to DENY.

I'm not a complete and total idiot.
At the advanced age of fifty I am a partial idiot.
I did not click link to DENY.
Checked with my bank online for basic bitch reassurance.
I am still broke but not in the hole.
Bueno.

I like imagining someone spending $714.02 at a place
called Pig Liquors.
Imagine the life such a person is leading.
7 + 1 + 4 + 0 + 2 = 14 = 5

As a seasoned astrologer and tarot expert
I like to say I do not fuck with the fives.
The fives are some bullshit.
Five of wands.
This person said this thing about you
at Facebook and now everyone knows
what a fraud you are so you need
to record yourself sitting in your Chevy Caprice
on your Samsung Galaxy
telling the peanut gallery
the truth.
Look. Fuckers. I am honorable
and honest and I tip motel maids
and I pay taxes and I wipe my ass
thoroughly and I recycle my 
plastic FIJI bottles and I 
wish nothing but love and astounding success
to my wadded panties detractors.

Five of cups.
I know you cheated on me with Sally
and I know you are currently enjoying
occasional balls to the wall
no sleep till Brooklyn sex
with Rosemary
but I still toast you 
with bottles of Indio
whenever I'm listening
to Taylor Swift and Beyonce
and Michael Bolton and Rick Astley
on my Best Songs Ever playlist
and all the tarot readers
know you love me to hell and back
but the intensity frightens you
and you're still healing
so I won't hear from you again
in this current lifetime.

Five of swords.
Similar to five of wands
but even more brutal
and eviscerating.
You are a Christian
and you are successful
and you travel a lot
with your third and final husband
and your kids are photogenic
and healthy
and you live in a big deal house
and all your bills are paid
and you are well-fed
and we are cousins
but this doesn't mean much
and you still feel the need
to check up on me
via this blog
and the thousands of videos
I throw like so much spaghetti
at the algorithm wall
and inform my mother
that I hate her
and have sent serious
black magick in her direction.
Pigs in the parlor.
Quite.

Five of pentacles.
I am eating Great Value ramen
while the beautiful people
of the United States of America
spend $800 weekly at Disneyland
and gorge on gender reveal cupcakes
and buy Don't You Wish You Were Me
Kardashian approved
whatever the fuck ass fuck
and pose for every Olive Garden photograph
with the same glad as hell to be alive smile.

I do not fuck with the fives.
I say that.
But the fives are pretty much where I live.
Mercury is in fact my chart ruler.
Virgo rising, bitch.
Five as a matter of fuck ass fact
is the number of Mercury 
which rules Gemini and Virgo.
A lot of people don't believe in
astrology and numerology
and tarot.
A lot of people are smarter
than I can ever hope to be.

Pero. I like to imagine someone
spending $714.02 at Pig Liquors.
His name is Ronald Douglas Adams.
People call him Ronnie.
Ronnie is a Sagittarius with Pisces rising.
Moon in Cancer.
Ronnie sells the occasional bag of drugs.
What kind?
Meth, maybe.
Ronnie lives in a rusting trailer
on the outskirts of Lawton, Oklahoma.
He enjoys watching true crime podcasts
and dramatizations
("The Night Stalker" is his favorite)
and having drunken sex
with his soulmate.
Her name is Melissa Andromeda Villarreal.
She's an Aries.
Gemini rising.
Moon in Pisces.
"She sucks a mean dick," Ronnie tells his friends.
They are grateful to receive this information.
Somehow on Saturday September 2, 2023
Ronnie found out my debit card number
and decided to throw a little party
for himself and Melissa
and three or four of their most cherished friends.
"We are going to Pig Liquors like motherfuckers, y'all."
Ronnie drove himself and Melissa
in his Nissan (pussy) pick-up truck
to Pig Liquors in Lawton, Oklahoma.
They loaded up on Busch, Wild Turkey,
Jim Beam, Jack Daniels, Tanqueray,
Glenfiddich, Beringer (because Melissa is classy),
Slim Jims, Cheetos and...truck driver caps.
Fortunately no one died at the party.
There was some vomit, sure.
But no death.

And the world continues to spin us all dizzy.