PERFECT XMAS GIFT

THIS

no...ThiS

NO!!! THIS!!!

 

2121

2121 = six = veNuS

 

SPEWING SUGAR

SPEWING SUGAR

 

CRYING SATURN GUITAR

I recorded my fourth album, "Crying Saturn Guitar," yesterday when the moon was waxing in Capricorn and I was crying. David uploaded it to Bandcamp today. Snatch it up. Get healthy, rich and happy. (((suBLiMiNaL)))

 

conFeSsioN

I confess. I adore this process.
Oh this group of people hates this group of people and fires are burning here and a hurricane is raging there and thoughts and prayers for latest school shooting and our hearts are with the families of the victims of the latest gated subdivision horror story and this execution was terribly botched and that execution was livestreamed and this war and these pockets bulging with blood money and JESUS IS COMING BACK (he better hurry his ass UP, won't be much left by the time he arrives) and another celebrity overdose (TRAGIC) and another outburst on another American airplane and the newest latte flavor (exciting) and the newest autumn candle (most exciting thing in several years) and another Taylor Swift album (throw a party, bake cupcakes) and oh my god the tiger ate him up and oh yay another poetry collection that references Bukowski and I'm over here strumming my out of tune electric guitar purchased in a sketchy warehouse in Belize City snapping shots of snowy egrets on the roof writing down the bones (they are legion) playing with scissors and tape and having the audacity to call it ART. Excuse me while I lick the clouds from the unapologetically azure sky.

 

swooncaKe coLLaGe

STELLA watches out the window for Dada not realizing she's facing the wrong direction. 
The window above the kitchen sink faces west.
Dada could be seen walking home from the market from the bedroom window, which faces east.

We are all retarded.

This swooncaKe coLLaGe was created only a few minutes ago. You may purchaSe.

This might very well be clickbait noiSe but at least it isn't ragebait noiSe or even worse, tardbait noiSe.
 

TAROT NADA

People have all kinds of idiotic ideas about tarot. Tarot is EVIL. Tarot is SATANIC. If you consult a deck of tarot cards JESUS will CRY. I call bullshit. But. On the flip side there are people who believe tarot is some kind of magical tool that will save your fucking life. I think people give entirely too much power to something that is, in the 21st century, mass produced and available at the website that owns the planet (as well as ETSY where baby witches go to die). The Ouija board never scared me, either. I'd go to slumber parties when I was a kid in Wichita Falls, Texas where there was always at least one little bitch who would burst into tears whenever the Ouija board was brought out.

My favorite quote of all time is attributed to Gertrude Stein and is available on pillows and coffee mugs at Redbubble.

There ain't no answer.
There ain't gonna be any answer.
There never has been an answer.
That's the answer.

All that being said, I've made a decent amount of money with tarot cards since 2019. I have two monetized YouTube channels and a roster of clients. A few days ago a subscriber asked about a deck I created a few years ago. I'd deleted the design and all others from my storefront. Well, the subscriber inspired me to create a new deck. Here it is. Tarot Nada. Gertrude Stein (Aquarian) is the Queen of Swords.

 

THROW A PILLOW

Throw this pillow at someone you deeply adore.

Hang this poster above your computer.

The word on the street is that Jesus saves so you don't have to.

Yesterday I did something I had not done in a very long time. I created a tarot deck. It will be available for sale once The Powers That Be approve my deck, which I created using Canva Pro. I'm a professional. I wake up, eat JIF extra crunchy from the jar with a ripe banana, drink black coffee and get to work. The wheel of fortune does not play favorites but Saturn does. I've got gold stars across my little chart.

 

PERSONALIZED PET PHOTO PILLOW

This personalized pet photo bullshit is pissing me off beyond all reason. ENOUGH.
This has inspired me to write my next piece for Retarded Beyond Redemption, my latest collaboration with the Aries who dicks me down on a regular basis.

For some reason known only by God the above photo brings this song to mind. I guess it's actually a pretty obvious association. Unless you're retarded beyond redemption. But if you want to be a millionaire by Halloween you should be listening to this. BYE.

 

TODAY'S ATTEMPTS

 

it's not a coffee mug

you'll come running bacK

GET YOUR CANDY

GET YOUR CANDY

 

BOTCHED

BOTCHED

 

TEMU uNiTed STaTeS

everything must go

 

lulu.com remains ReTaRDeD

Global distribution for my art book (((Chupacabra Disco))) was rejected because of the cover text. "Art by Misti Rainwater" was deemed unacceptable by The Retarded Powers That Be at lulu.com. Here is the new revised cover. And here is a new coLLaGe.

xxx MISTI xxx
 

SLOBBER on the RETARD PENIS

David and I were thrilled to receive our copies of SLOBBER and RETARD PENIS in today's post. The revised copies are in transit and will be promoted once received. Here are reviews from Stella and Mankato (the best gift David has ever given me, an iguana plushie...I named him Mankato after the town visited often in "Little House on The Prairie"):

"Slobber makes Stella HAPPY because Slobber is full of LOVE. Retard Penis makes Stella LAUGH because it is so stupid! Ha! Ha! Ha ha HA!"

"I could not be bothered to read either book but I dig the covers. My name is Mankato. I see. I watch. I observe. Fuck off."

Here is a poem from SLOBBER:

power outage

we lie here sweat ecstatic because mourning is inadvertent ghosts &
she swings her legs above her like memory & writes rants in the air 
like an ambitious dictator

it is hotter & i swallow pasta & cheese because muscle does not grow
nowhere & this is home now, every future ghost

DAVID RAINWATER

And some kind of retarded prose from RETARD PENIS:

THROWING SPAGHETTI

Hi, Steven. I’m glad your mother had the presence of mind to name you STEVEN rather than STEPHEN. So yeah, I just wanted to state for the record that I’ve been throwing spaghetti against the wall since approximately 1979 when I carried a portable tape recorder around the house and made up skits and songs and interviewed babysitters. There was purity to my intent. I was five. I was six. I wanted to communicate with the world. I thought I had something to share, something valuable. It’s 2026 now and I’m still communicating. I’m still spitting into any available microphone. I’m spitting for the girl who was five the girl who was six. I’m spitting for my son. I’m spitting for Mia Zapata. I’m spitting for the America I never had the America I deeply loved and lost the America I repeat the America the goddamn beautiful majestic America I never had. I’m spitting for the Grand Canyon which I have only seen in photographs, movies, vaguely remembered dreams. I never had America. I never had the Grand Canyon. I never had the redwoods of the Pacific Northwest. I never had Big Sur. I never had San Francisco. I never had Hollywood. I never had Malibu. I never had Brooklyn. I never had Chicago. I never had Boston. I never had Key West. I’ve spit into various microphones to sporadic applause. I’ve been seen I’ve been heard I’ve been witnessed. But see, Steven, the thing is, Leo is my twelfth house and I’ve got an anaretic Aquarius sun that doesn’t make any significant aspects. I wasn’t born to shine. They taught me that song when I was a kid and I sang it and carried it all the way to my fifth decade. This little light of mine. I’m gonna let it shine. But my shine is small and that’s how God wants it to be and so it is. David just sent me a meme he sends memes often. What is Searched MORE? Hentai. The Quran or the BIBLE. Another song they taught me. The B-I-B-L-E. Yes that’s the book for ME. I stand upon The Word of GOD the B-I-B-L-E. The Bible didn’t have much value when I was carrying a fetus in my womb in 1996 crying until I had no tears left knowing I was alone alone alone and that was very much my problem to solve. I suck at algebra, Steven. I suck at solving problems. In a world where the most popular Google searches are HENTAI, Quran and BIBLE my worth is zero. Yet I continue to splatter my spaghetti against the walls of the indifferent world. Hi. My name is Kilgore Trout. There’s purity to obscurity. Big Business Monkey. Everything’s money. RIP, Daniel Johnston. He wasn’t obscure at all thanks to MTV and Kurt Cobain yet he remained pure. “Walking The Cow” remains deeply embedded in my broken choir girl heart. I sang in a few different choirs, not terribly well. They never asked me to sing solo in Kelview Heights Baptist Church. Tim Hale, Libra, sang solo. I had a mild crush on Tim. I had a much bigger crush on Matt Hale (Leo), his little brother who was a year older than me. Their father, Russ Hale (Scorpio) (the youth pastor), visited me in the hospital when I was in labor with my firstborn, the daughter I could not keep. Whenever Russ Hale sang “How Great Thou Art” I got chills all over. He was better than Elvis. How great is my art? Who decides? Who judges? Who makes the call? Who assigns the gold stars across my chart? I have this insane compulsion to continue to share. Great, not great, terrible, god awful, shit, gold. Whatever, man. Mercury is my chart ruler (Virgo rising) and it’s smack dab in the middle of my seventh house and it makes several aspects. So I continue to spit. I’m Cougar Ketchup. I’m Sally Mayonnaise. I’m Roxi Xmas. I’m Ginger Todger. I’m Chupacabra Disco. I’m Zero Bueno. I’m Lescarius. I’m Marshmallow Witch. I’m Cult Yoga. I’m Swooncake Press. I’m Swooncake Records. I’m Noise Spit. Someday I’ll be dead. Doesn’t matter. The spitting will continue.

MISTI RAINWATER

 

NEW WOMAN

/

Who's the NEW WOMAN? You's the new woman. You's the NEW WOMAN, baby! You is saturated satiated complicated celebrated dedicated decorated congratulated NEVER constipated never frustrated never denigrated. Pass the pink glitter and splash it on Twitter. Don't be bitter. A new day dawns with you on top where you belong like a Shania Twain/Dolly Parton/Dottie West SONG.

 

PERFECTED VERSIONS

Tonight David and I created perfected versions of our first three books (STUNT COCK, SLURP and SLOBBER) instead of watching "Cheaters." New covers pictured above. The changes made to the SLURP cover were minimal. I shouldn't have to say it but these books make excellent stocking stuffers, better than anything you'll find at Five Below or Family Dollar. I'm going to eat a bowl of grapes and watch "Cheaters" now.

p.s. you can hang this on a wall

p.p.s. it's a chaotic skull collage tote bag
 

The 100 GREATEST BooKS eVeR wRiTTeN

This post was inspired by a conversation I had with David this morning after recording my latest pick a card reading. I referenced The Color Purple in the reading and David asked me if I was serious. Yes. I'm serious. Quite. I love the novel and I love the film. Kiss my white (with a dash of Creole) ass.

So I made this noiSe track and listed my 100 favorite books in the description box. David vehemently disagrees with MOST of my choices. He's especially disgusted by Bukowski and Lester Bangs. Fair enough. If you haven't purchased the first 22 books on the list you kind of suck. Just joking. But I am dismayed by your lack of interest and I am a bit hurt. I'll live.

 

WIN SOMETHING EXCITING

 what i eat in a day

get ready with me

fuckerbutt happy time

clown gravy

super cherry extra

sponsored by venus

sniff my pages

MANIFESTO

It's a manifesto without words. There's a brief introduction but the rest of the book is comprised of my bleeding insanely saturated full color trash artwork. I published a similar book with the same title years ago (before Covid & the accelerating decline of the USA) but it was no bueno. I didn't know what the hell I was doing. So here's this new improved version, a record of my manic DIY aesthetic. 

Perfection is a lie but I've got Virgo rising, Mars in Capricorn and a tenth house Saturn and David has Capricorn rising and Saturn in Capricorn. We endeavor. I presented David with the files then got the hell out of his way. He worked his magic and I am so grateful. 

Buy it, bitches. Gracias.