ZERO BUENO at amaZoN

ZERO BUENO, my latest and perhaps last novel, is available at the website that owns the galaxy. Muchas gracias to David for all his love, loyalty and assistance.

 

GAY AS FUCK

"Gay as fuck," David muttered a few minutes ago. He didn't get much sleep last night and he wasn't feeling the whole leg day thing. But finally he said, "Fuck it." He decided to forge ahead with his leg day regimen.

Tuesday, Martes, is ruled (or sponsored, as I like to say) by Mars. There isn't anything gay about Mars. David is an Aries (MARS) with Capricorn (Saturn) rising and a Gemini (Mercury) moon. Mercury is definitely gay. Jupiter? Gay as fucking HELL. Mars is not gay and neither is Saturn. Venus? Yeah, gay. Neptune? GAY. Uranus? Of course it's gay! Pluto is in the closet. If Pluto is gay it's none of your goddamn business.

Back to the salt mines. And by salt mines I mean shuffling tarot cards for clients, making noiSe for my vaRiouS YouTube channels, creating designs for my swooncaKe storefront and writing at least a hundred words for Retarded Beyond Redemption.

Be gay. Don't be gay. Jesus thinks you're okay either way.

xxx MISTI xxx
 

SLOBBER on the RETARD PENIS

David and I were thrilled to receive our copies of SLOBBER and RETARD PENIS in today's post. The revised copies are in transit and will be promoted once received. Here are reviews from Stella and Mankato (the best gift David has ever given me, an iguana plushie...I named him Mankato after the town visited often in "Little House on The Prairie"):

"Slobber makes Stella HAPPY because Slobber is full of LOVE. Retard Penis makes Stella LAUGH because it is so stupid! Ha! Ha! Ha ha HA!"

"I could not be bothered to read either book but I dig the covers. My name is Mankato. I see. I watch. I observe. Fuck off."

Here is a poem from SLOBBER:

power outage

we lie here sweat ecstatic because mourning is inadvertent ghosts &
she swings her legs above her like memory & writes rants in the air 
like an ambitious dictator

it is hotter & i swallow pasta & cheese because muscle does not grow
nowhere & this is home now, every future ghost

DAVID RAINWATER

And some kind of retarded prose from RETARD PENIS:

THROWING SPAGHETTI

Hi, Steven. I’m glad your mother had the presence of mind to name you STEVEN rather than STEPHEN. So yeah, I just wanted to state for the record that I’ve been throwing spaghetti against the wall since approximately 1979 when I carried a portable tape recorder around the house and made up skits and songs and interviewed babysitters. There was purity to my intent. I was five. I was six. I wanted to communicate with the world. I thought I had something to share, something valuable. It’s 2026 now and I’m still communicating. I’m still spitting into any available microphone. I’m spitting for the girl who was five the girl who was six. I’m spitting for my son. I’m spitting for Mia Zapata. I’m spitting for the America I never had the America I deeply loved and lost the America I repeat the America the goddamn beautiful majestic America I never had. I’m spitting for the Grand Canyon which I have only seen in photographs, movies, vaguely remembered dreams. I never had America. I never had the Grand Canyon. I never had the redwoods of the Pacific Northwest. I never had Big Sur. I never had San Francisco. I never had Hollywood. I never had Malibu. I never had Brooklyn. I never had Chicago. I never had Boston. I never had Key West. I’ve spit into various microphones to sporadic applause. I’ve been seen I’ve been heard I’ve been witnessed. But see, Steven, the thing is, Leo is my twelfth house and I’ve got an anaretic Aquarius sun that doesn’t make any significant aspects. I wasn’t born to shine. They taught me that song when I was a kid and I sang it and carried it all the way to my fifth decade. This little light of mine. I’m gonna let it shine. But my shine is small and that’s how God wants it to be and so it is. David just sent me a meme he sends memes often. What is Searched MORE? Hentai. The Quran or the BIBLE. Another song they taught me. The B-I-B-L-E. Yes that’s the book for ME. I stand upon The Word of GOD the B-I-B-L-E. The Bible didn’t have much value when I was carrying a fetus in my womb in 1996 crying until I had no tears left knowing I was alone alone alone and that was very much my problem to solve. I suck at algebra, Steven. I suck at solving problems. In a world where the most popular Google searches are HENTAI, Quran and BIBLE my worth is zero. Yet I continue to splatter my spaghetti against the walls of the indifferent world. Hi. My name is Kilgore Trout. There’s purity to obscurity. Big Business Monkey. Everything’s money. RIP, Daniel Johnston. He wasn’t obscure at all thanks to MTV and Kurt Cobain yet he remained pure. “Walking The Cow” remains deeply embedded in my broken choir girl heart. I sang in a few different choirs, not terribly well. They never asked me to sing solo in Kelview Heights Baptist Church. Tim Hale, Libra, sang solo. I had a mild crush on Tim. I had a much bigger crush on Matt Hale (Leo), his little brother who was a year older than me. Their father, Russ Hale (Scorpio) (the youth pastor), visited me in the hospital when I was in labor with my firstborn, the daughter I could not keep. Whenever Russ Hale sang “How Great Thou Art” I got chills all over. He was better than Elvis. How great is my art? Who decides? Who judges? Who makes the call? Who assigns the gold stars across my chart? I have this insane compulsion to continue to share. Great, not great, terrible, god awful, shit, gold. Whatever, man. Mercury is my chart ruler (Virgo rising) and it’s smack dab in the middle of my seventh house and it makes several aspects. So I continue to spit. I’m Cougar Ketchup. I’m Sally Mayonnaise. I’m Roxi Xmas. I’m Ginger Todger. I’m Chupacabra Disco. I’m Zero Bueno. I’m Lescarius. I’m Marshmallow Witch. I’m Cult Yoga. I’m Swooncake Press. I’m Swooncake Records. I’m Noise Spit. Someday I’ll be dead. Doesn’t matter. The spitting will continue.

MISTI RAINWATER

 

SLUT MOON

Is it Libra season yet? Not quite, cupcake.

Gracias to David for putting "SLUT MOON" together for me and releasing it on Bandcamp. 

Yes, AI definitely needs a rebranding. I concur. Let's go with RI. Rhode Island might get mad about it but Rhode Island can get over it, already.

RI. Regurgitated Intelligence. Retarded Intelligence. Ratchet Intelligence. Get on it. Chop. Chop.

xxx Misti xxx

 

M A N I F E S T A T I O N

There seems to be a beautiful method to my madness. I am forever astounded by the weird magic of it all. Synchronicity. Dreams. The math of Western astrology. The numerological system detailed in Linda Goodman's Star Signs.

This video popped up in my YouTube feed yesterday and I cried out HOLY FUCK or something similar. I fell in love with David in March. This video was created two years ago. No comprende.

David is right about a lot of things but he is wrong about Brian Wilson, whose Virgo moon was conjunct mine. He was a genius on the basis of  this song alone. But wait. There's more.

Selah.

 

STRINGS

David is cracking that colonizer whip insisting that I take a break from making noiSe and shuffling tarot cards. WRITE, BITCH. WRITE!!! I am acquiescing. I am submitting. I have written two stories for our latest collaboration in progress, RETARD PENIS. Stay posted. Bye.

 

BUILD A BRAND

 

 

coconuts 

 

bananas 

 cherries

LIMES 

MASTERED THE UNIVERSE

 

 

I put my sophomore effort together yesterday and when I woke up this morning David told me he put it up on Bandcamp. Happy fucking Full Moon in Aquarius! What the fuck are laurels and why would I rest on them? I don't get out much and I don't feel like sitting around working jigsaw puzzles, spying on random fuckerbutts, watching the latest trash on whatever. I don't have any pets. I don't have a monster truck or a golf cart. I spent 53 years of my life in the United States and have burned every bridge but one. So this is how I spend my time, creating noise and art and books like my ass is on fire. It kind of is. 

 

SUPER CHERRY EXTRA xxx $9 xxx

 

 

Today I awoke from a weird dream that included Tommy Lee and Courtney Love to thrilling news from my best friend/lover/future & forever husband, David (Aries sun Gemini moon Capricorn rising Mars in Aquarius Mercury & Venus in Pisces). "Super Cherry Extra," my debut album, is available for $9 at Bandcamp. I made cassettes last year and tried to sell them at a poetry event in Toledo with less than optimal results. But that was Scorpio season. Never try to sell cassettes during Scorpio season. No, the way to go is selling your debut album in Leo season (the moon is in Sagittarius and Mercury is direct in Cancer) as a digital download. I already have enough material for three or four more albums but I'm thinking about going into an actual studio for the next album because damn it, I'm a rock star now. We will celebrate, David and I, by walking to our favorite grocery store on the south end of the island and buying cans of peas. 

 

Happy Sabado, goddamn it. Saturday is sponsored by Saturn, my favorite planet. It is well with my soul.  

 

no church will have us

sunday morning so alive so glad

 

YOU COME HERE OFTEN

xxx oRiGiNaL TaSTe xxx

 

SATURDAY is STILL & ALWAYS SPONSORED by SATURN

 

GeTTiNG DoMiNo'S eVeRY niGHT // sex is aLRiGHT

 

 

 

People are buying pizza from Domino's and socks from Dollar Tree and burgers from Wendy's and orange chicken from Panda Express and batteries from Dollar General and flags from Tractor Supply and onion rings from Dairy Queen and vibrators and panties and tarot decks and faux leather bondage chokers from the website that owns the planet. People are buying Super Cherry Extra and STUNT COCK (expurgated & unexpurgated) and Fuckerbutt Happy Time and Bullshit Rodeo. Gracias, babies. GRACIAS.

xxxxxxxx oo xxxxxxx

 
 

STUNT COCK

 

 

Yes, bitch. This is the book you have been waiting for. This is the book we will be loved and hated for and remembered by. "Eat this and remember me." (JESUS)