Wednesday, March 2, 2016

SEEKING AGENT

Hi. I like to write. I like to spit at genre. I'm interested in making a billion dollars. If you can help me then I welcome your help."You're amazing" isn't much help. "You're probably tasty" is equally useless. Once an editor called me on the phone and I thought,"Fuck. I'll be on Oprah's couch within a year." Sadly, this didn't happen. I've been writing ever since. I'm writing right now. I've got five or six ideas. They can all be expounded and surrounded with Hello Kitty stickers. I do possess a King James bible. Several passages are underlined for emphasis. There are all kinds of notes in the margins. No, I don't have a computer. I drink green tea. I eat chicken noodle soup. The bitch next to me in the UTSA library is showing off with her loud fucking smelly ass bag of Chik Fil A. I fucking hate Chik Fil A. But I'm not a snob. Sometimes I love that chicken at Popeye's. I live in San Antonio where there is a Wal-Mart every three miles and a Bill Miller's every quarter of a mile. People like to eat in San Antonio. Yeah. They eat, drink, fuck, root for the home team, die of the usual bullshit around 55 or 60. Immortality ain't the goal for most. I was born in Bridgeport, Texas. People do the same shit in Bridgeport that they do in San Antonio but mostly they hang out in hair salons and gossip and get drunk in Dallas because that's the thing to do. I can't help it that I was born in Bridgeport, Texas to white parents. Last Sunday I was hanging out at El Mercado with a Latino artist. We're special friends. He told me he sees me as a Native American and a Mexican. That thrilled the shit outta me for obvious reasons. I don't have any Mexican blood but I have a Mexican mind. Is that politically incorrect? Is that cultural appropriation? Is that blatant aesthetic robbery? Is that self-loathing gringa snobbery? I drank so much cerveza on Sunday that I pissed in my black and hot pink lace thong. No worries. Left it hanging in a bathroom stall in the Asian buffet on Fredericksburg Road. I'm working on an oil painting of a couple of lollipops. I took two lollipops from a Chase bank. One was red. One was blue. I crisscrossed the suckers on the asphalt at University Park & Ride. I took a picture. I'm basing my oil painting on that photograph. The title of the piece is Free Lollipops. My imagination is unlike any other you have ever encountered. Hire me.

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